2024 Regular Season - championship game
WHO HAS PAID
Commissioner Stalin
The Toll Booth
Coach Rubs
The Kosher Nostra
Boof
The Sneaky Greek
WHO HASN’T PAID
Q
Sloppy Joe
HI-Life Ganja Farmers
The Law Firm
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
semi final RECAP
(1) The Toll Booth v. (4) Commissioner Stalin - In a wildly unfortunate sequence of events, league leading Nikki was tucked in with a warm glass of milk before kickoff of both SNF and MNF of what turned out to be a very tight semifinal against Commissioner Stalin and ended up starting injured players in both of those two games, and subsequently lost by just 2.1 points to the Soviets despite having a 4-point home field advantage in the first playoff game held in England since 2017. Granted, Cowboys LB Eric Kendricks and Saints WR Marquez Valdes-Scantling weren’t declared out until an hour or so before kickoff when it was roughly midnight UK time, but the Brits slept right through the alarms and left them in the starting lineup to rot. The ensuing bagels were all that the Soviets needed to get a third absurdly lucky win in a row and advance to their first championship game since losing to Q in the 2019 final. Yet another big game from Jared “Hawg” Goff carried the Soviets through to overcome a mediocre defensive performance and a really nice 7 points out of RB1 Joe Mixon, but the real story was the actual New England Patriots defense absolutely shutting down Josh Allen and holding him to just 11 points after putting up 92 points in the previous two weeks combined, and yes that number is real. Nikki is still looking for her first playoff win since the 2017 season, and will now have to retreat back to her corner pub to re-evaluate the front office and coaching staff after the absurd management debacle that led to this heartbreakingly avoidable playoff loss
(2) Boof v. (3) The Kosher Nostra - A massive semi final between the two teams that joined the league in the Great Expansion of 2014 culminated in a huge win for Brock to avenge his loss to Mike in the 2020 Rona Bowl. Both squads came to play, with the sharp cheddar scoring 196 behind Brian Thomas Jr and of course Ft. Dix Bo Nix, but it was the rock Pokemon that were able to come out on top at the end of the weekend. A monster 39 point day from South Jersey’s own Jonathan Taylor motivated Geodude to the win, with 20 critical points coming from the special teams unit featuring both the kicker and the punter of his beloved Broncos in an unorthodox but somehow successful move. Mike has to be frustrated at Jalen Hurts getting injured mid-semi with a concussion and finishing with less than 5 points, but ironically the QB on his bench is permanently concussed Tua who wasn’t gonna save the day with his 12 piece happy meal ass performance. Either way, Mike loses his second semifinal in a row as he watches Brock make a run to the finals to try for the franchise’s second ever championship on the heels of only the 2nd 200 point outing of his entire season
playoffS
Let’s pour yet another one out for the even worse scrubs that just couldn’t hang
10 (Trophy Shipping Clown) - Coach Rubs
9 - Sloppy Joe
8 - Q
7 - The Ganja Farmers
6 - The Sneaky Greek
5 - The Law Firm
4 - The Kosher Nostra
3 - The Toll Booth
2024 PACMAN JONES MEMORIAL BOWL PREVIEW
(2) Boof v. (4) Commissioner Stalin - In an obvious twist of fate, the two underdogs both won the semifinal games and the top two teams from the regular season in Nikki and Mike are watching from their couches as Boof and Commissioner Stalin battle it out in the 2024 Pacman Jones Memorial Bowl. Let’s take a quick look at how on earth we got here after yet another chaotic CSFFL season:
Brock has had one of the more absurd years in league history, starting things off by picking 2 Lions in the first 4 rounds in Amon-Ra & Sammy L’s before ripping off a Dak-Kyler stack (lol). in round 5 and 6. He then doubled down with another Lion for his third total already in round 8 in David Montgomery, and speaking of him let’s take a second to appreciate the injuries Boof has overcome to get here. His first ten picks included Dak and Rashee Rice, hurt for the year in weeks 9 and 4, respectively, as well as Mike Evans (out for a month mid-season) and David Montgomery and Tank Dell, who both got hurt in the last two weeks mid-run to the title game. How did he pull this off, you ask? Well, he ripped off a 5-0 start before going 1-6 in his next 7 games, trying to straight up give the yogurt division away and sit on a 6-7 record with just two weeks to spare in the regular season. He then proceeded to upset Big Mike and then beat Q in the last two weeks of the year to sneak ahead of the Greeks with an 8-6 record and barely even make it into the playoffs let alone win the division. He then upset Mike again, for the second time in a month, to advance to the third championship game in franchise history, making it 3 times in the last 5 years that Boof has appeared in the title game. His roster features skill position players in the 10-20 range at their positions and appears to have been built the right way, with an entire defense and special teams unit boasting top 10 rankings in their respective positions and apparently hoping Geno Smith can do the rest on a week to week basis. That’s just how you win football games
The Soviets, meanwhile, are only here because of two reasons - Jared Goff and Ja’Marr Chase. Goff is just QB7, but he’s dropped insane points in recent weeks when he was needed most due to the rest of the Red Army not showing up for battle, and Chase has averaged 20ppg out of the WR slot which is just silly. The Soviet draft featured the likes of Michael Pittman (WR 52) in the third round, ahead of guys like Alvin Kamara, Nico Collins, Josh Jacobs, and Joe Burrow, and has featured between 4-5 TEs on the roster for whatever reason for the literal whole year. Don’t forget though, this was a squad that also featured 18th round talent Rashid Shaheed, a top 10 WR before getting hurt in week 6, and top defensive players like TJ Watt, Myles Garrett, and Derwin James. A waiver scoop of LBGod Zack Baun only helped matters, and was much needed after a 1-3 start. That was followed by a 6-1 run where the Soviets broke the 200 point plateau in all of those games but one (when they dropped 198), before obviously stumbling in two critical divisional games late in the season with L’s to Anthony and Nikki. A last second IRL Dallas Cowboys blunder gave Ja’Marr Chase a free touchdown in week 14 in the last seconds of MNF, which was all the Soviets needed to defeat and eliminate the Ganja Farmers and switch from eliminated themselves to a home wild card game in one touch of the ball in the final minute of the final game in the regular season. That miracle was followed up by two more last second MNF victories for the Soviets, one because of TJ Hockenpeen being the garbage time target for Sammy D - who the Soviets were playing against in the wild card round - and Nikki having way too much warm milk before both SNF and MNF of her first semifinal in almost a decade and starting two - count ‘em, TWO - injured guys. Just absurd.
Some past history before diving into this matchup:
These two teams have played each other once before in the playoffs, and it was in the semis: the infamous Outback Bowl of 2020 sponsored by Han Lue-noza of Fast & Furious 69, which turned out to be Brock’s first ever playoff win
Brock has historically made the playoffs less than any other franchise, but still has the second most title game appearances behind Mike (5), tied with Djavan, Q, and Stalin who all have 3 apiece
The Soviets are 9-4 all time against Boof, BUT these teams have alternated wins and losses since 2020. Commissioner Stalin won the most recent battle this year moving to 4-3 since 2020 in this neck deep and feet first H2H rivalry. That means Brock is due
The only Soviet Union title came way back in 2016, when they beat Anthony in the wild card, got lucky and won on a Wednesday stat correction against Logan in the semifinal, and then upset a favored Mike in the championship game. In case you forgot, the Soviets got here via a last second MNF touchdown to even make the playoffs before beating Anthony in the wild card, then got lucky in the semifinal and only won because Nikki started injured guys on both SNF and MNF to lose to Stalin by 3 as the Soviets storm to the finals, where they are the underdog against Boof Wellington
As I’m sure you could expect based on how we got here with these two squads, this championship game is in fact projected to be one of the worst and lowest scoring in recent memory. Neither team is projected to hit 180, and I’m sure Nikki will drop 250 in a week where she would be in the finals if only she had stayed up for another hour on even one of the two days where she started an injured guy. Goodell hit us with 12 days of football during championship week and we’ve already had clutch performances from top players like Soviet RB Joe Mixon (4.9 points) and Boof QB Geno Smith (7.9 points) and we even got a bagel with lox from Russian kicker Kaʻimi Fairbairn on the Chanukah Penisball Extravaganza. This is shaping up to be a very Cowboys Suck championship game yet again, and we at league headquarters could not ask for more.
Oh actually we can - Nikki can you please pay trophy shipping fee from last year or whenever it was? F