2024 Regular Season - Week 5
WHO HAS PAID
Commissioner Stalin
The Toll Booth
Coach Rubs
The Kosher Nostra
Boof
The Sneaky Greek
WHO HASN’T PAID
Q
Sloppy Joe
HI-Life Ganja Farmers
The Law Firm
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
Week 5 Recap
Commissioner Stalin v. The Toll Booth - A Cold War rematch came down to the wire, and boy did we get a game. Nikki blew by the 200-point plateau for the 4th time in 5 games so far this season, but the Soviets finally put together a good performance behind Ja’Marr Chase going off and Kaʻimi Fairbairn dropping 16. The Brits thought they had a win going into MNF with their punter dropping 16 points to counter Fairbairn, the Soviet kicker, but Rashid Shaheed had something else to say. A massive comeback on MNF saw the Soviets sneak back into the game and blow by the British fortifications to get a much needed victory. Stalin is now 2-3 as Nikki falls to 4-1 with her first loss of the season
The Law Firm v. Q - Anthony Bowl I of 2024, last year title rematch, whatever. This was a blowout. Q saw Anthony Richardson get hurt yet again - oh wait, he DIDN’T PLAY unbelievable. Looks like this is a non-championship year for Q, which means he won’t set lineups and will lose out except for a sweep of the Soviets surely. The Law Firm actually had a solid week this week with Squeaky Kirk and the Bakers combining for over 50, but the main thing is kicker Younghoe Koo scoring 16. Any, Esq. is now 2-3 and somehow still floundering while Q drops to 1-4 and is flatlining actively
HI-Life Ganja Farmers v. Coach Rubs - The battle of B. Robinson RBs actually came down to the two B. Robinsons, which kinda rules. Bijan only managed to cobble together 9.2 on TNF for the Ganja Farmers, while Brian scored twice to win the H2H battle despite his meager 18 yards rushing. Those points ended up contributing to the IRL difference, with Logan squeaking out a 1.9 point victory over the rival Ganja Farmers in the most played rivalry in league history. Djavan falls to 1-4 on the season while Coach Rubs moves to 2-3 somehow despite his team being terrible
The Kosher Nostra v. The Sneaky Greek - South Jersey’s finest did it again as Joe Flacco put up 27 fantasy points en route to a Wisconsin win over the Greeks, who have a terrible team overall. Justin Fields? Come on man. When Big Mike has All Picks Bo Nix dropping 22, you know you’re in for a day. Zack’s team couldn’t get it going, getting stuck below the 160 point threshold that essentially guarantees a loss, but one can understand how he was terrified of Joe Flacco after all those years as a fraudulent Steelers fan. Zack falls to 2-3 and still has terrible quarterbacks, while Mike moves to 3-2 on the year
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
Sloppy Joe v. Boof - Sloppy Joe did exactly what we expected him to do, putting up a very average 166 points, and Boof answered the bell despite the injury to Aaron Jones. Brock got solid games from Kyler and Mike Evans, but the big story here was Tucker Kraft somehow going 4-88-2. Sloppy Joe saw his best games across his squad come from his hometown Bears, but the rest of the team just couldn’t handle and the bun collapsed upon itself in a tough loss. Both teams left some points on the bench, but nothing to really make the difference in the game as Sloppy Joe falls to 3-2 and Brock remains undefeated at 5-0 and boofing the East Division
Bold Play of the Week presented by Markal Lumber Crayon
The Bold Play happened during the GOTW, as Boof played Packers TE Tucker Kraft for whatever reason. Kraft responded with 2 TDs en route to a Boof dub
Scoop of the Week presented by Tostitos Scoops
The Scoop of the Week is also the Big Play, with Brock snagging Tucker Kraft off the waiver wire before this past week started. Unreal
YOU BLEW IT Player of the Week presented by Adam Sandler
The YOU BLEW IT Award goes to Q for not setting a lineup again. Here we go
.Week 6 preview
Sloppy Joe v. The Kosher Nostra - In a game projected for a tie with scoring totals in the mid-150s, there’s really not much to preview here. This matchup here between the Average Joes and standard pre-packaged sliced American cheese just reeks of mediocrity, with the real matchup being the Chicago Bears entire offense, which makes up the majority of Joe’s lineup, vs. Bo Nix and the Funky Bunch. This is the second least played rivalry in league history, with only 10 matches between the two franchises all time and Mike holding a 7-3 advantage, and it’s looking to be just as boring as we all expect. Hell yeah
The Sneaky Greek v. Q - Q has 3 guys on a bye week as of this note, so who knows if he sets a lineup. Survey says no. FFS Q
HI-Life Ganja Farmers v. The Law Firm - Two of the league’s worst teams so far in 2024 square up here, with the WR3 battle between Ladd McConkey and Josh Downs one to really watch that could end up deciding this matchup. The Law Firm has a 13-5 all time record against the Ganja Farmers, and is looking to get their 3rd dub in a row in the series behind Sneaky Kirk and Baker. The Law Firm is projected to win by a solid 10 points, but ESPN is always wrong and has no idea what is happening so Ladd McConkey will probably go off and be the gamechanger in this matchup. The Ganja Farmers are sitting at 1-4 despite having the 3rd most points scored in the league, which has to sting, but regardless of luck they will need a win to right the ship here as away dogs
Coach Rubs v. Commissioner Stalin - A matchup of mediocre 2-3 teams here is actually one of the league’s more lopsided rivalries, with Commissioner Stalin having a 15-6 advantage over Coach Rubs in the all time series and Logan having not won a game in this series since 2018. Brian Robinson (6th round talent) may not play this week, so Logan will get to choose between Devin Singletary and Zack Moss to lead his team to victory. The Soviets are coming off a 200-point outing and a huge comeback victory over the rival Brits, but somehow even more players were lost this week as Michael Pittman randomly got hurt out of nowhere. Coach Rubs is projected to win. But, Logan’s team is so bad man. Coach Rubs gonna blow it again
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
Boof v. The Toll Booth - The two best teams so far through 5 weeks face off here for the only time in the regular season in 2024, and it should be a great battle as ESPN projects for a near tie in their always wrong projections. A Justin Jefferson bye week leaves the Brits rolling out Wan’Dale Robinson and Diontae Johnson at WR, but apparently both are studs so they’ll probably combine for 30. Boof is hoping that his collection of Lions can put up some points and that Jonathan Taylor plays, but either way this should be a great game between the division leaders. This has championship implications for later in the year, but they’ll probably both collapse