2024 Regular Season - Week 1
We are BACK for our 14th Peasant Harvest of the Cowboys being the worst franchise in the history of sports in any place anywhere at any time in human history. We had a remarkably normal season last year with Q winning his 3rd title over the Law Firm in the title game. It was a welcomed event for Premiership after the b2b chaos of the tiebreaker/stat change fiasco followed by the Damar Hamlin event in the most recent title games, and we are hoping for more this year. Doubtful.
A few things:
1. THE SCHEDULE WAS RESET!
2. USE THE DAMN GROUPME AND MESSAGE BOARD!
3. ESPN has also input a fantasy chat into the site as well as the app, so USE THAT TOO TO TALK SHIT DAMNIT
4. Weekly league notes will be done on the website this season instead of here, so we’ll see how this goes. This league manager note page will be for basic housekeeping only after this week.
We had a few rule changes from last year:
50-59 yard Field Goals are now 5 points, and 60+ is 6 (previously all above 50 were 6 points)
Two point returns are now worth 2 points and a one point safety is now worth 1 point
We removed kick return yards as a scoring category for this season as a test run with the new kickoff rules. Shoutout to League Counsel for mediating pro bono
ALSO REMEMBER FROM LAST YEAR
1. No home field advantage in the championship game only. This will have to be manually adjusted by me during championship week since it’s not an option in the league settings, so get your pitchforks ready
2. Tiebreaker for playoffs is still bench points, but instead of total bench points you designate three (3) bench-layers before each week that will serve as the tiebreaker instead of the entire bench. Fire it into the GroupMe so that it’s known to the whole league before TNF kickoff of each playoff week. Dunno if we did this last year but here it is again
MONEY AND PAYOUTS
Buy in is still $200, so we’ve got $2,000 in prize money. As usual:
Champion - $1,800
Runner Up - $200 minus the cost of the nameplate for the champion
Last Place in Regular Season - PAYS TROPHY SHIPPING
On that note…
WHO HAS PAID
Commissioner Stalin
The Toll Booth
Coach Rubs
The Kosher Nostra
Boof
WHO HASN’T PAID
The Sneaky Greek
Q
Sloppy Joe
HI-Life Ganja Farmers
The Law Firm
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
Week 1 Recap
The Law Firm v. Sloppy Joe - Another year, another victory for Sloppy Joe despite not scoring many points. This time, he couldn’t even crack 140 and he still won, which is just amazing. Joe only had 5 guys score double digits, with most of his points coming from Tyreek Hill mere hours after getting ripped out of his car by Miami police on the way to the game (not a joke) before going off against Jacksonville. Lucky for Joe, his opponent also couldn’t score as the Law Firm came up real short in his opening game to defend b2b division titles. A combined 13.9 points from Ant’s ancient QBs Aaron Rodgers and Sneaky Kirk (combined age of 76) was not the answer, as the Law Firm falls to 0-1 at the hands of Sloppy Joe, who is 1-0 despite having less than 140 points for. What a league
HI-Life Ganja Farmers v. The Sneaky Greek - Welp, who would’ve guessed. The Sneaky Greek left the draft with hands down the worst roster and zero QBs. He walked out of the first week with a W behind Justin Fields and Jacoby Brissett at QB, who managed to outscore the Aaron Rodgers/Kirk Cousins combo from the Law Firm, the franchise that led the charge to hoard QBs from Zack during the draft. Over 50 combined points from Eagles Saquon and AJ Brown gave Zack the win, as Djavan put up a valiant effort with solid games from Lamar, Jordan Love, and James Conner, but it wasn’t enough as the Greeks came through to smoke the Ganja Farmers. DJ is now 0-1 while Zack is 1-0
Coach Rubs v. Boof - HOW BOUT ‘EM!? Logan’s team is so bad man. His highest point scorer was Jayden Daniels, so he of course lost. Brian Robinson, his 6th Round pick, couldn’t carry the workload as really solid picks Drake London and Rome Odunze also gave Logan duds. Boof got nice outings from most of his offense, highlighted by Mike Evans’ two TD performance, and tacked on 30 points from his LB’s to secure the victory. Brock is now 1-0 after a big divisional matchup as he drops Logan to 0-1
The Toll Booth v. Q - Nikki didn’t show up for the draft party, but she came out firing with a 205 point performance to open the season in an absolute demolition of reigning champion Q. Josh Allen dropped 30, and Nikki also got 20 spots from kicker Brandon Aubrey and DB Julian Love in order to lock in a big opening win to make a statement to the rest of the league that she may be here to set lineups this season. Q got some solid games from the likes of Anthony Richardson and Breece Hall, but outside of his high picks the roster fell to pieces in a lackluster performance. Nikki is 1-0 and atop the league as Q falls to 0-1
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
Commissioner Stalin v. The Kosher Nostra - We got a rivalry game here among two of the top teams in league history in week one, and boy did it disappoint. Puka Nacua got hurt almost immediately and Mike’s reach for Jalen Hurts early blew it for him as he fell to the Soviets in a low scoring week one battle. Joe Mixon was the savior for Commissioner Stalin, who had to be thankful that Mike wasn’t able to start Jordan Mason due to CMC’s late injury announcement Monday evening. The Soviets are now 1-0 while the Cheese is 0-1
Bold Play of the Week presented by Markal Lumber Crayon
Easy choice here, as Zack wins the year’s first Bold Play Award for rolling out Jacoby Brissett and Justin Fields at QB. Granted it was out of necessity, but still.
Scoop of the Week presented by Tostitos Scoops
He didn’t play due to matchups, but Mike sniped Jordan Mason on the wire as CMC was injured in what could end up being the snipe of the year. Amazing stuff
YOU BLEW IT Player of the Week presented by Adam Sandler
The first You Blew It Award of the 2024 Season goes to the Law Firm. While this could apply to the entire Law Firm team, who faced an opponent that couldn’t even crack 140 points and still ended up with an L, this really is for not having Jordan Mason on the roster. How did you not have the locked in insurance for CMC, instead rostering Jerome Ford and Sam Darnold?
.The cowboys suck Law Firm editorial, from any, esq.
DEFENSE DOES NOT WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS presented by Primos
As we all know, IDP is dumb and this should be a team defense league (or no defense at all but y’all are too scared for that conversation). In this new segment the following hypothesis is tested: IDP players do not matter and the team who’s offensive players (qb, rb, wr, te, flex, k) outscore their opponents offensive players will win more often than not. We will analyze weekly offensive scoring and determine outcomes based on only offense and see if higher offensive output corresponds with the winners each week, or if IDP players flipped any games.
WEEK 1: Teams with higher scoring offenses went 4-1 in Week 1. Hilariously, the only team with an offense that out scored their opponents offense but lost was me (thank you Kyle Juszczyk for getting tackled at the 1). Nikki vs Q - winner Nikki Nikki offense - 142.2 Q offense - 111.1 Brock vs Logan - winner Brock Brock offense - 124.2 Logan - 104.7 Sal vs big mike - winner sal Sal offense - 106.5 Big mike offense - 103 Battis vs Djavan - winner Battis Battis offense - 140.9 Djavan offense - 106.4 Joe vs Ant - winner Joe Joe offense - 79.7 Ant offense - 88.1 Total Season record - 4-1
Week 2 preview
Commissioner Stalin v. HI-Life Ganja Farmers - The Soviets come in after a close, low-scoring win over the Kosher Nostra, but no way this continues. Djavan is 0-1 and looking to right the ship, and the injury to Puka and the brutal Soviet RB room will likely be too much to overcome. Djavan by 100
Sloppy Joe v. Coach Rubs - Logan’s team is so bad man. Joe’s gonna crush him
The Kosher Nostra v. Q - Mike has to be pumped about Jordan Mason, and that could be the difference maker in this matchup. Two 0-1 teams collide in what should be a boring matchup, but Mike should pull it out here
The Law Firm v. The Toll Booth - Nikki came out firing, and Anthony lost to a team that couldn’t even break 140. Not even gonna focus here. Toll Booth by a million
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
The Sneaky Greek v. Boof - Our only matchup of two 1-0 teams, we somehow have Zack and Brock. Zack has no QBs, no way he wins again…right?